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[ ... | then&now ]

(no subject) [Jun. 9th, 2008|12:26 pm]
but the most trival of mundane facts
i have been in the worst places emotionally and mentally for the longest time.
thus, i cannot wait to leave this place physicallly.

as far as im concerned - im already gone.
Link1 comment|time is a vessel

(no subject) [May. 22nd, 2008|11:02 am]
but the most trival of mundane facts
[times new roman |listless]
[times new roman |band of horses]

i want to delve into doing only pretty things all day.

mind expanding things, mind altering things, eye pleasing things, heart racing things, new things, old things, crafty things, sneaky things, things you dont tell your mom about, things you do tell your mom about, the things they tell stories about, the things they keep oh so secret so secret because the mere utterance of them will make all the magic go *POOF*.
i want new. i want crazy. i want mystical. i want challenging. i want dangerous. i want it alllllll. i want everything but what i got & its so obvious i dont care about it.

&eventually thats gonna make me loose it & then ill never get what i want.
life isnt fair. (DUH!)
im so stuck where im at and so scared of where im going but its all i want & i want it nownownow.
everything in front of me is everything i despise. so bland & lifeless & stagnant.
everyday should be spent doing what you love & i know what i love but i have to do what i hate to get to what i love andddd ahhhhhh just gahhhhhh. people spend their lives at jobs they hate just to survive.

i just dont wanna live to work to just survive.
i want to live & this just isnt it.
im so bored & change isnt coming soon enough. ugh.
Link3..|time is a vessel

(no subject) [May. 21st, 2008|02:08 pm]
but the most trival of mundane facts
las vegas is entirely too small.

what are the odds?!!?!?
out of millions of people...i just had to chose that one.
i cant freakin believe some people. eeeyuccck.
Link1 comment|time is a vessel

i live in a dream world [May. 21st, 2008|09:13 am]
but the most trival of mundane facts
where i think that just because i had the best of intentions it makes the fucked up things i do ok.

they arent. but i really and truely mean well.
just sometimes i dont truely encompass the ins & outs of everthing i do.

i guess im guilty of it too, sometimes i just dont think.
Link4..|time is a vessel

everything matters [May. 21st, 2008|01:29 am]
but the most trival of mundane facts
[times new roman |sad]

how does a person at one point carry so much love for someone & then absolutely nothing at all?

its like you had a suite case of clothing you were carrying around for the longest of times with all your favorite outfits in it& just threw it over the side of a cliff... you could have done so many things with it...

reworn it.
traded it.
folded it nicely & put it away in your closet.
sold it and kept the $$$ or spend it on something nice.

so many more beneficial things to do with all that metaphorical clothing than to just toss it like it didnt exist and/or matter.

i keep all my wardrobes, carefully compartmentalized in mental plastic zip bags for safe keeping. each piece of thread soaked rich in an emotional time freeze. they are there for aesthetic nostalgia and because i 'bought' them for a reason, i had that top for a special occasion and i will never forget wearing it, because im sure at one point in time i looked fucking amazing in it, not because they meant nothing.

how does someone make that mean NOTHING?

i try on these feelings like a pair of jeans sometimes...they fit me differently & i probably wouldnt wear them out in public. but i fell in love with that 'garment' at one time... i gave so much of me to that 'garment'..
they could always make nice shorts.

i feel like the only one who NEEDS to recycle her emotional wardrobe...like if i dont its because i didnt try hard enough and that 'garment' will just stare at me resentfully on its hanger and i will feel ever so defeated not attempting to find a new way to make it work.

i was defeated for the last time tonight. the. last. time.
Link3..|time is a vessel

(no subject) [May. 19th, 2008|10:32 am]
but the most trival of mundane facts
hmmm salad, tan & blondeeeee (ok COPPPER lin!)

seems like summer to me :]
Link8..|time is a vessel

(no subject) [May. 18th, 2008|10:42 pm]
but the most trival of mundane facts
part of me just wants to be left alone for a very, very long time.
just soak myself in silence and retreat.
Link7..|time is a vessel

it took someone even more flawed.. [May. 16th, 2008|09:59 am]
but the most trival of mundane facts
[times new roman |aesop rock]

i havent talked to my mother in almost 2 years. most things she has said to me i tend to block out. but for all of my life i have retained one specific story she has told me. its one of the few endearing things thats ever come out of her mouth, god, buddha &robert downey jr bless her soul.

my mother always said i was a good baby. pleasant, quiet, easily entertained & bubbly...
she said that this was always such a blessing due to the fact that my father & her nearly hated eachother..
i also knew that she secretly thanked her lucky stars that i was well behaved due to the fact that she herself was still a child & even now at 41 years of age..she still is very much so little girl lost.
my mother said that i was an unusually curious baby though. unfortunately, i always happened to be curious about things that i just typically should not have been curious about. one of these things that i was ever so fascinated by was electrical outlets. for weeks my mom said that every day when she'd wake me & let me roam our home the outlets were the first thing id gravitate towards and everyday shed point me in a new direction to distract me & shed scold me about how i should stay away from them - they would hurt me. she said i always seemed to understand, but the very next day id be right back at it. literally this went on for weeks at a time till she got so frustrated with me that she kept her mouth shut one morning and just watched me as i routinely went towards my favorite fixation. i reached it paused in front of it and turned my head around and looked at my mother questioningly like i didnt understand why she hadnt stopped me yet. my mother says she pursed her lips and crossed her arms and said nothing to me and we just stared at eachother, baby vs. mother locked in this death stare of challenge and rebellion. eventually i broke our stare, brought my attention back to the outlet and as you would imagine, immediately stuck my finger in it.
i was shocked, figuratively and literally. i cried & cried & screamed & screamed. my mother tended to me, but made sure that i understood exactly what happened & how i essentially brought whatever pain i was feeling on myself.
i never touched the outlet again.

i find this story to be entirely metaphorical for my life. except i touch the outlet quite a few times before i realize anything.
i am hard headed and sometimes hard hearted. i still have yet to learn how to be good to myself, how to just listen to the warnings...'dont touch the outlet, its gonna hurt you & youre gonna feel silly in the end'

i cant even trust my own good advice to myself. school of hard knocks represent.
Link2..|time is a vessel

(no subject) [May. 3rd, 2008|11:45 am]
but the most trival of mundane facts
its seems like there is this influx of strife within everyone i know right now.
i swear, theres something in the air thats inabling personal happiness amongst like 74% of the population.

sorry, but you other 26% can go fuck yourselves.
Link2..|time is a vessel

cause it makes you the good guy, sweet pea [Apr. 30th, 2008|05:09 pm]
but the most trival of mundane facts
[times new roman |work]
[times new roman |distressed]
[times new roman |jonas & the forbidden fruit]

so, this is an email one of my male coworkers sent to me today.
needless to say i am really nonplussed with the fact that i cant just seem to be friends with guys..

"never asked why the suitors
I know why
You aren’t as rare of a breed as you may think
Not very common, yes, but by no means rare.

I have met many like you
One who did the job so well, EVERY guy that knew her liked her at one point
For one week, even I fell for it
But I soon realized what was going on and I snapped out of it before I got in too deep
My friend Sameer, however, did not
He might still be in love with her for all I know

Monday night should be ok with me

Although, for some reason, I feel like I have something that night"

so much passive agressiveness/veiled selfprojection in one small email!
i dont do these things on purpose. i really dont.
it leaves me extremely defeated, like perhaps i should just never speak to another male again.
Link6..|time is a vessel

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