i want to delve into doing only pretty things all day.
mind expanding things, mind altering things, eye pleasing things, heart racing things, new things, old things, crafty things, sneaky things, things you dont tell your mom about, things you do tell your mom about, the things they tell stories about, the things they keep oh so secret so secret because the mere utterance of them will make all the magic go *POOF*. i want new. i want crazy. i want mystical. i want challenging. i want dangerous. i want it alllllll. i want everything but what i got & its so obvious i dont care about it.
&eventually thats gonna make me loose it & then ill never get what i want. life isnt fair. (DUH!) im so stuck where im at and so scared of where im going but its all i want & i want it nownownow. everything in front of me is everything i despise. so bland & lifeless & stagnant. everyday should be spent doing what you love & i know what i love but i have to do what i hate to get to what i love andddd ahhhhhh just gahhhhhh. people spend their lives at jobs they hate just to survive.
i just dont wanna live to work to just survive. i want to live & this just isnt it. im so bored & change isnt coming soon enough. ugh.
how does a person at one point carry so much love for someone & then absolutely nothing at all?
its like you had a suite case of clothing you were carrying around for the longest of times with all your favorite outfits in it& just threw it over the side of a cliff... you could have done so many things with it...
reworn it. traded it. folded it nicely & put it away in your closet. sold it and kept the $$$ or spend it on something nice.
so many more beneficial things to do with all that metaphorical clothing than to just toss it like it didnt exist and/or matter.
i keep all my wardrobes, carefully compartmentalized in mental plastic zip bags for safe keeping. each piece of thread soaked rich in an emotional time freeze. they are there for aesthetic nostalgia and because i 'bought' them for a reason, i had that top for a special occasion and i will never forget wearing it, because im sure at one point in time i looked fucking amazing in it, not because they meant nothing.
how does someone make that mean NOTHING?
i try on these feelings like a pair of jeans sometimes...they fit me differently & i probably wouldnt wear them out in public. but i fell in love with that 'garment' at one time... i gave so much of me to that 'garment'.. they could always make nice shorts.
i feel like the only one who NEEDS to recycle her emotional wardrobe...like if i dont its because i didnt try hard enough and that 'garment' will just stare at me resentfully on its hanger and i will feel ever so defeated not attempting to find a new way to make it work.
i was defeated for the last time tonight. the. last. time.
i havent talked to my mother in almost 2 years. most things she has said to me i tend to block out. but for all of my life i have retained one specific story she has told me. its one of the few endearing things thats ever come out of her mouth, god, buddha &robert downey jr bless her soul.
my mother always said i was a good baby. pleasant, quiet, easily entertained & bubbly... she said that this was always such a blessing due to the fact that my father & her nearly hated eachother.. i also knew that she secretly thanked her lucky stars that i was well behaved due to the fact that she herself was still a child & even now at 41 years of age..she still is very much so little girl lost. my mother said that i was an unusually curious baby though. unfortunately, i always happened to be curious about things that i just typically should not have been curious about. one of these things that i was ever so fascinated by was electrical outlets. for weeks my mom said that every day when she'd wake me & let me roam our home the outlets were the first thing id gravitate towards and everyday shed point me in a new direction to distract me & shed scold me about how i should stay away from them - they would hurt me. she said i always seemed to understand, but the very next day id be right back at it. literally this went on for weeks at a time till she got so frustrated with me that she kept her mouth shut one morning and just watched me as i routinely went towards my favorite fixation. i reached it paused in front of it and turned my head around and looked at my mother questioningly like i didnt understand why she hadnt stopped me yet. my mother says she pursed her lips and crossed her arms and said nothing to me and we just stared at eachother, baby vs. mother locked in this death stare of challenge and rebellion. eventually i broke our stare, brought my attention back to the outlet and as you would imagine, immediately stuck my finger in it. i was shocked, figuratively and literally. i cried & cried & screamed & screamed. my mother tended to me, but made sure that i understood exactly what happened & how i essentially brought whatever pain i was feeling on myself. i never touched the outlet again.
i find this story to be entirely metaphorical for my life. except i touch the outlet quite a few times before i realize anything. i am hard headed and sometimes hard hearted. i still have yet to learn how to be good to myself, how to just listen to the warnings...'dont touch the outlet, its gonna hurt you & youre gonna feel silly in the end'
i cant even trust my own good advice to myself. school of hard knocks represent.
its seems like there is this influx of strife within everyone i know right now. i swear, theres something in the air thats inabling personal happiness amongst like 74% of the population.
so, this is an email one of my male coworkers sent to me today. needless to say i am really nonplussed with the fact that i cant just seem to be friends with guys..
"never asked why the suitors I know why You aren’t as rare of a breed as you may think Not very common, yes, but by no means rare.
I have met many like you One who did the job so well, EVERY guy that knew her liked her at one point For one week, even I fell for it But I soon realized what was going on and I snapped out of it before I got in too deep My friend Sameer, however, did not He might still be in love with her for all I know
Monday night should be ok with me
Although, for some reason, I feel like I have something that night"
so much passive agressiveness/veiled selfprojection in one small email! i dont do these things on purpose. i really dont. it leaves me extremely defeated, like perhaps i should just never speak to another male again.
gah, good friends are so hard to find. you were there so dutifully and willingly when i really needed you & provided just what i needed - a wise ear & a good heart & open arms.
ive lovingly sunk my claws in & will never let go, no matter where my life takes me, matt ludwig, you are my friend forever <3
i guess i can only look forward to things becoming more progressive and possibly more self serving. it seems i love to work against myself so heres hoping to me being over that...
on that note, some short letters to father time respectively:
dear 2007, you were quite awful to me. full of ups & downs (more downs than ups!!) &stress & selfindulgence & selfdegrandizing & in a sense, selfdestruction. i happily bid you good riddance! so uhh yeah, PEACE THE FUCK OUT.
dear 2008, youve already begun & youre looking better & better as time goes on. im still stumbling over your hurdles and speed bumps (otherwise known as the mistakes i make) buttttt, they are holding me back less & less. i think you are the year of 'letting go'. im welcoming you with welcome & hopeful arms! so, ummm hey, WHATS GOOD?!!
ANYWAYS
so my (what is it now? 10 months?) hiatus from monogamy has left me a little rusty when it comes to those whom proclaim interest in me or those i feign interest in... i feel like im building from the ground up! and better yet, on a shaky foundation as well.. its just surprising that i dont know what to do about this sort of thing anymore and find myself clumsily feeling too easily or not revealing enough when necessary...i find myself tripping over my proverbial shoelaces of illfated choices time and time again...gah! things of the affinity for another are much too complicated...i see now that my years and years of relationships have done me no good...its a new predicament every day it seems! well, i firmly believe that one invites their trials and tribulations into their life as some sort of subconcious need to learn or take something away from an experience to become a more 'whole' person "blablabla" (insert some more philisopical reincarnation sophmoric hoohah here haha) so..what im trying to say is i must be asking for these things & hopefully i start retaining whatever it is that i need to so that my life may cease being so painfully redundant. alkjfdlskjf i guess thats a part of this letting go in 2008 thing i gotta start doing. let things go so that they may be accepted and finally pass... UGH!!
but anyways, speaking of 2008, gah its been a while ms. badu, but ive been patiently waiting for you, its seems itll be worth it!
&&gah i have been reading about so many contemporary artists lately! theres so much beauty and so much personal interpretation of it in the world! its kind of blinding sometimes. gah, i could get into it, but art just makes me emotional and sappy...i guess thats why i want a career in it so i can have a good excuse for waxing jackass poetic about other folks musings and portraits of life and love and human experience...gah, it will be a wonderful thing to get paid to get other people excited about that one day!..marci washington and yuko shimizu are my favorites right now...theyre almost kind of typical..but at the same time theres just such a pleasant unique feminitity to them both.. one is haunting and intimate and ones stoically sexual... i dunno..i just really like extracting strengths in things that are seemingly simple.. and sometimes i feel blaze for mostly alligning myself with art that simply aesthetically pleasing..its like a guilt that i should seek out things that have more of a socially charged message of life altering meaning...but its just like fuck it, i appreciate the pretty things that are art for arts sake....i suppose thats just enough message for me all on its own..
ha ok enough diatribe for now...
i guess ill end this with a little public service announcement: should you or someone you know wish to be my valentine 2 tickets to elton johns 'the red piano' is certainly a step in the right direction. k thnx bi ;]
it is difficult to realize that sometimes even the most guiless of people have the potential to cause you pain. & when they do, the surprise of it all is quite the deal breaker.
as much as i battle with anxiety & self image it is times when im alone that i realize i enjoy no ones company better. i then become relieved. & i wonder why i let anyones prescence let my sense of self comfort falter. right now i care for no one but myself. & its ok, because who else is going to?
should you have every wondered what little odds and ends my little heart desires i have neatly composed a semi-short list for your convinience. & also this is just a nice reminder list of things i need to impulsively buy myself at a later date.
just a small update: applying to several out of state colleges changed my major to art history planning on leaving las vegas come next fall my dating 'horizon'/'scope' has changed so to speak recently, should provide for an interesting future... got a second job at diesel in the forum shops...so i am soon to be a very exhausted but ballin person next semester. woo!
"loneliness is just a word that means you are feeling alone and depressed and starting to think about how difficult and strangely impossible it is for you to be interested in the same people who are interested in you and how if you don't change your worldview and personality soon then you will probably always feel alone and depressed because you can't remember a time when you haven't felt alone and depressed but really you can and that is when you were a small child but that small child seems like a different person, really, than who you are right now and you can't become a different person anymore because you are over twenty years old and people this age don't change unless they fall off a barn and get a long metal rod through their brain and then they change drastically and get studied by scientists and never have to get a real job again but always look very alone and far away and doomed on TV even if they and all their friends and family and an international team of doctors, neural surgeons, and psychologists--cognitive, behavioral, courtroom, and analytical-say that they aren't at all." - Tao Lin, You Are a Little Bit Happier than I am
it really seems to be just one thing after another & im starting to feel like im just not enough for me to depend on...
my dad told me about some 21 year old girl that was the personal assistant to his former boss. shes sleeping with him (mind you hes married & 47) & makes 53 thousand dollars a year because of it. i feel like theres no room to comfortably walk the straight & narrow anymore.
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nouveau_riche's journal
